What How can I expalin to my wife to save my face and my marriage?
My wife lately acted so strange and wouldn’t talk to me. After a lot of pleadings, she finally said "see what is inside the computer and I ‘ll tell you why". Since I have a lot of porno pictures of males in my pc that I forgot to delete, I definitely believe that she was angry because of this. I managed to tell her to put off the talk until I arrived from work tonight..Now that I am in the office I am thinking of any ways on how to explain to her about these photos so she wont have a hint that I am Bi. How could I react and what explanations that I could possibly tell her so she mgiht as well love me and save my m,arriage…please anybody help me!!….I am so sacared…….I love my wife and kids…..
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Filed under: Marriage
You said it yourself, you are Bi. So don’t listen to anyone telling you that it is crazy or a sin. You have a very hard obstacle to cross, and, unfortunately, it came before you were prepared. You see, at some point, you really should have gone and had an honest talk with your wife about your sexuality. What she does with that and how she reacts is her prerogative. You must live true to yourself. That is the only way to live. Now, you’ve been shoved to that place where you must speak. So speak. Tell the truth. Bear the anger because you lied, but do not be ashamed of who you are. Apologize to her. Tell her that you’ve been confused, that you’ve been trying to fight it because you do not want to lose her or your children. Tell her that you have been too weak to resist the porn on the internet, though. Answer any questions she asks. If you don’t know the answers, say so. Say that you’d seek help, along with her if she is willing, to find the best resolution for your family.
I hope you can at least stay friends. You will always be a father.
You won’t believe the relief once you start living out your true self.
Under the circumstances, apologizing and living true to yourself is also a good example for your children. You never know, one of them may be gay. Think how sad it is that some kids must kill themselves because they are rejected for their sexuality.
i seriously suggest just telling her
really .
be honest
sorry but she is suposed to be your better half, the only one who migth know you as well as you know yourself, your not suposed to keep secrets like this from her
you should have told her before you even got married, instead of lying to her, likelyhood is she is mad you lied or mad cause something is up that she dont understand
you have to explain everything to her, and let her know who you really are, its the only way she can trust you again, and trust that there is nothing more too it…you dont lie to the one you love and mean to spend your life with
i’d feel horible betrayed if my BF had kept something like that from me, not because disquested or anything, but that he didnt Trust me to understand, he didnt trust me to respect him and still love him…simply speaking he let me promise to share better and worse with me and then didnt trust me to stick to my promise…thats as good as telling me i am a liar…which would make me feel betrayed by the person i thougth i could trust the most here in this world
mature adults dont hide from eachother in a relationship, nor do they judge eachother for staying faitfull…looking at pics aint cheating…no more then girls looking at a james bond movie and saying ooo look at those muscles, why is the later acceptable? and the former not? thats just hypocritical
and anyone claiming different is the ones needing to grow up and pull their head out of their kids sandbox, we’re in 2008, not 1765 or whatever, hopefully we come a little longer then thinking the earth is flat or?
and to those thinking a woman or man cant have pics of own gender without being bi….eeer wrong today photomanipulation is becoming a huge hobby, and i know of plenty guys into it just as much as girls, and such persons usualy build up stocks over time. Rolleplayers migth have a stock of pics to send to photomanipulaters, and rolleplaying is another hobby ever growing and popular in all ages (and based on book plots of fantasy books not in a mature sort of way). I got heaps of pics of all types laying around, as well bookmarks to pages, I am an avid photomanipulator slowly moving over to drawing and coloration after learning to mastering programs, and one of those digital drawing pads for computers is def on my wish list as of late so i can keep expanding and geting even better in my craft.
A lot of people today though is very much like geek alert when they hear such words, mostly because many of them aint aware just how normal it is. I know people from 13 to past 40 who rolleplay and photo manipulate. However regardless of reason, your partner/spouce should still know these things, just as those who golf tell their partner they do so (dont sneak around and lie about it). Hobbies are personal, and you hook up with someone they are part of the deal, and you should at least try to be open to listen and be reasonable about it.
As a girl the only issue i see in this case is that he lied to her, not what he lied about.
Just be honest. If you want to base you marriage on a lie you deserve to lose her.
Explain to her that you aren’t bi. She’d probably understand. Delete all the porno of guys. Tell her you love her and take her out to dinner. Spoil her rotten. Better yet, buy a new computer. -.-’
how ’bout the truth. i assume you have some sort of bi-curious side. there has to be a reason for you to have pictures of men, some level of atraction there. point out everyone has fantasies, and that a fantasie is not always somethng you would act on. sometimes they just are a curiousity you sometimes entertain.
hahahaha talk about getting your weiner in a jamb
you are not Bi, you have mental health problems… if you love your wife and kids, you’d stop looking up male crap on the computer, that’s the truth!
if my husband told me such a thing, I’d divorce…
that’s just me…
I would not stay with a man that has love and sex and lust all confused…
forsaking all others was the marital vow you know…
grow up…
You were curious. That’s all.
Really though, if you’re bi and seeing men, she should know. It’s not right to keep something like that from her. It’s your choice if this is what you’re doing and to keep it from her will make you the bad guy, not the "but it was with a man" vindicated person, ya know?
You need to be honest with her, and yourself. Why do you want to
go on living a lie? And why should she? Be a man, step up and
be honest instead of trying to make up a lie that will cover your butt.
Just tell her the truth.
You’re not supposted to hide anything in a marriage.
This has to be so painful for her. You should just come out and tell her. Provide for her no matter what her decision because you have failed her as a husband in this marriage.
i don’t get why you weren’t honest with your wife. if she really loves you it won’t matter to her that you are bi. but you have to understand if she gets mad cuz you lied to her and that will upset her. anyway good luck!! i hope everything works out!!
dude, are you kidding me?! you don’t want her to have a hint that you are bi?! i think that she figured it out when she found the pics, bro! at the very least, you are stupid for not doing a better job of hiding your activities (and the fact that she found them so easily tells me that subconsiously, you wanted to get caught–maybe so that you could stop living a lie). at the worst, you were actively trying to deceive her. she thought that she had a heterosexual male, and what she got was someone that is bi (and please tell me that you have not cheated on her with guys or girls). she is gonna go nuclear, as any spouse would and you might lose everything. however, that is the price that you will pay for not being honest from day 1. you should be scared, and even though you love your wife and kids, you went into the relationship under false pretenses. good luck, buddy, you will need it. better be prepared for a lot of long nights on that fold out couch.
well if you are having an affair she needs to know. you are putting her at risk and that is not fair. this is probably something that you need to tell her about anyway. i mean if you are attracted to men this could obviously become a problem if not now later. be fair to her. what would you want her to do if the situation was reversed?
tell her the truth…it is better!
What can I say that isn’t easier said than done?
Options (not exhaustive):
a) "I’m dealing with the fact that I might be bisexual. I didn’t realize this because I was attracted to people other than you and I didn’t go on the internet because I was no longer attracted to you. I did it in the hopes that I could put this confusion in the past and concentrate on the only person I really love – you."
b) It’s a virus going round the workplace.
c) The other day I was replying to some emails when I opened one that didn’t get caught in the ‘junk folder’. It opened up some pretty disturbing pop-ups and I did the best I could to delete all the crap so you and the kids didn’t need to see it. I failed – sorry.
d) Denial i.e. How the well did they get there?
Good luck.
Lying to her is not going to help your situation, it is obvious that a straight man is not going to have male pictures all over his computer. If you are going to save your marriage you are going to have to do it with honesty. If you love your wife and your children then you should also really consider getting help for this behavior, I don’t care if everyone thumbs me down, it is not normal behavior. There is something imbalanced within you and while you haven’t take this sickness too far you should get help before it’s too late. Talk to your wife about this and get her to help you as well, it will help her to know that you realize this is wrong and not only want to change it, but want to make her a huge part of that. She isn’t stupid (I am guessing) whatever lie you come up with won’t work when the truth about it is so slap you in the face obvious.
Cadsuane:
You are obviously a twisted and disturbed person, as well has all the other "normal" people who play your little game and have porn pictures of all kids all over their homes, I mean really? And I don’t know what group you run with, but let me tell you, my male friends are men, and a "MAN" does not have porn of other men, nor do they openly admit to everyone (except the one person that really matters) that they are "bi". On the computer or anywhere else in their lives. You want to have your sick little fantasy games of photo manipulation or whatever that crap is, fine by me, but don’t try and push it off as something normal just because you and some other freaks are into it. This kind of crap was sure as hell never normal before all the freaks could hop on a computer, be anonymous, do whatever their twisted minds wanted.
You are in a very tough spot. And yet, you think that the best thing is to continue to conceal from your wife that you are bi. I don’t think it is.
A bi person can choose to be married to one person (in theory of either sex) right? Do you truly choose to be married to her? Is porn going to remain the only expression of your interest in men? Because if the answers to both questions are ‘yes,’ then it would be best (most healing) for your marriage to simply tell the truth. Sure, it will be rough–and I would recommend that you get on the phone TODAY and find a therapist who will see you two for a while, hopefully someone who specializes in these issues–but the only way to preserve a marriage is when both people are fully honest about who they are.
Might she divorce you in spite of your best efforts? Yes. But that doesn’t mean she can take your kids from you, although of course living arrangements will change. But that would be her choice, and once that you’re trying to rob her of by lying. It’s just not a good situation.
Of course you’re scared right now. But you will feel better living with the truth between you as well. And this is from someone who knows what it is like to lose custody of a beloved child to someone hostile and not the best parent.
If I were you right now, I would (1) start planning how to phrase the truth to her, (2) find a therapist and connect with them by phone today, to see if they will take the two of you on, with the intent of saving your marriage, and (3) make some discreet inquiries (be very discreet) about lawyers, in case she goes off the deep end and you need one to protect your interest in your children. This would be a worst case scenario, but one you must consider.
Best of luck to you. It sounds like a difficult road you’re walking, but everyone has the right to live their own truth, and it is the best example for your kids as well.
Mark, look, you have to be honest with yourself & your wife. You owe her that much. If you think you’re bi, then your wife deserves to know that. That way, she can at least make an informed decision on whether it’s something she can live with. Just because a person is bi-sexual doesn’t mean he has to ACT on it. If you never plan to be with a man, then tell her that. Right now, she’s confused because she never thought you were bi-sexual and she’s angry because you weren’t honest with her about the porn or your sexuality. You need to reassure her that you would never cheat on her. You need to promise that you’ll never look at porn again if it’s something that could potentially destroy your marriage or hurt her. She needs to know that you put HER & your r’ship above any kind of porno or sexual urge.
Unfortunately I don’t think there is any plausable explanation for the pics other than the truth. Tell her you are bisexual. She probably already suspects that you are. Tell her you love her and your family.
You will have to explain why you haven’t told her before. It’s better to tell the truth. Making up a story is not going to solve the problem. I wish you luck and hope you have an understanding wife who loves you unconditionally. I bet you do.
Wow…..just wow.
Yeah, just be honest…
1st that is str8 nasty, 2nd it’s dude like you claiming to be Bi that are helping increase the HIV stats. You need to man up, if that is possible, and tell your wife how long you have been Gay. If you want to save your marriage then stop sleeping with men, and commit to your wife, not sure why she would want your sorry Azz. For the Record the new Man law is as follows: Men can not claim to be Bi, if you sleep with another man you are Gay. Also don’t get it twisted, I’m no homophobe, to each his/her own just be honest with your-self and others it’s not fair to your mates.
Tell her the truth that you have looked at the men out of curiosity, but that she is the person you love and want and delete the porn and ask her to forgive you.
Her reaction would have been as bad if it was female porn, so, whatever your sexual preference is, it is irrelevant as you would never cheat on her anyway.
Perhaps you should tell her, let her know it doesn’t effect your feelings for her but she is not stupid and probably already knows.
You should be honest with her, she is already upset with what she discovered and may not believe you if you make something up. Its going to be difficult and the consequences will be worse if you lie. I don’t know you 2 personally, but if she loves you enough and is understanding, maybe you 2 could work it out. You can’t hide this anymore, just be upfront. Sooner or later it is bound to come up, something like this you can’t keep secret. If I found something like that on my computer, I would wonder what was going on, and I would demand an explanation and I would know if my husband was lying. I can’t imagine what your going through, but think about how your wife feels, its probably breaking her heart. Good luck and I hope something works out.
Curiosity killed the cat. But it’s only human nature. Almost everyone has different sexual fantasies in one shape or form. Tell your wife the truth. Lies just lead to more and more till you get yourself in a mess. Right know she’s probably thinking the worst of the situation. She may even be as scared as you are. No-one likes a family breakup. You know your wife better than anyone save her parents, so use that knowledge to regain her trust. I’m meaning long term here, so take the advice of the others as well as mine. Tonight tell the truth, tomorrow start proving that you love her. I can’t empathise but I can sympathise. I really hope this works out. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for you. Good luck.
Dear one, you don’t just “forget to delete” this kind of stuff.
Truly, deep down inside, you wanted to be “outed.” Otherwise you’d have been a whole lot more careful.
OK so now you’re “out.” What next?
Telling her the truth isn’t a bad idea. OK. It’s really difficult. She’s going to wig out. She’s already wigging out. Yes. So it will mean a huge row and a great deal of stress in your life; but at least it will be the truth instead of this tissue of lies you’ve been leading.
Hopefully up until now you’ve had a pretty good relationship with your wife. I suggest you ask her if she would be willing to go into couples counseling to figure out new ways of looking at your marriage. And give her some time to think about it too. Remember, she’s just been faced with the fact that her husband likes both men and women. She’s REALLY, really hurt. So give her some time.
In the meantime, I urge you to seek counseling for yourself so that you can come to grips with your sexuality – so you can at least have a sporting chance at being a good father to your children – and even a good husband to your wife.
You are Bi and you need to be truthful to your self first. Now go home and tell the whole entire truth to your wife.You have lied and possibly even cheated.I don’t know you could be lying to us .You claim to be so scared and you love your family.Then why all the lies.Your wife is scared and rightfully so if you love her show it.
wow, u should have told her u were bi before u married her! just be honest. that’s all u can do and should do…that’s really ur only option. hope it works out.