Is it right to have a baby just to save a marriage?
I’v posted a few questions about my husband and I being unable to carry a pregnancy (3 miscarriages, 1 stillbirth in 2 years) and my DR wants me to give up because it is playing havoc on my hormones in my body and she’s concerned about my mental health. I want to give up too. Adoption is still an option and we are signed up for it and on the waiting list. We still do need to raise a few thousand dollars before we can go onto the next step though, but I’m going to be 40 soon and thinking of shutting this whole thing down. Many people are saying that in order to save my marriage I should do ANYTHING to get a child, whether its surrogacy, in vitro, (woudlnt work, I can’t carry a pregnancy) or asking a family member to have one for me. I’m not sure how correct this is…if my marriage is going to fail if we don’t have children, then is it really fair to put the whole success of the marriage on to a poor innocent child? What do you think?
Related Posts
Filed under: Marriage
No. The baby will just be a bandaid to a broken marriage.
I think you two should refocus on eachother again and spend time together instead pressuring yourself to have a baby. Your body has gone through 3 miscarriage and 1 still birth in 2 years!!!
You need to slow down and take care of yourself. Your Dr is right.
Children will not save a bad marriage…
Find a new / better husband and continue working to have a child.
The last couple sentences in your question say it all.
No.
I think children don’t save marriages, they destroy them.
no
No, I think not. Even though I would try to adopt a baby if I want one, if we want one, the answer to your question is no. A baby will not solve everything …you need someone who could love you, support you mentally, emotionally, who can provide understanding to you..
You are absolutely correct. Why bring a child into this situation. If the marriage is already in trouble who’s to say the baby could save it then you would be a single mom.
No. You need to get your body back and in harmony with yourself. It sounds like you need a break.
Having a baby will only make it worse cause you would have made him feel trapped him into doing the "right thing", which will make him resent you! I would just say if that is the only thing that you think will save your marriage then maybe you shouldn’t be married!
Having children will not save the marriage. If your husband is sincere and loves you, then he will be with you, weather you have children or not.
It’s WRONG and the child will be the one who SUFFERS the most. Why is it so important to you what other people think do what’s best for YOU.
Having a baby to save a marriage doesnt sound like a good idea to me. If your marriage is in trouble who will guarantee the baby will save it.
If you are basing your life together on whether you have kids or not, you have already started wrong. Kids add to a marriage they don’t make one. If you husband wants to have kids more then staying married, he should move on. Having kids can bring on more problems if you both are not ready for what comes with them. Lots of people don’t have kids and have stayed happily married regardless. You have tried your best, and done all you can, try to just enjoy the two of you being married. Many people are not you and not in your situation, take their advice lightly.
Having a baby is not going to fix your marriage..it is going to complicate it more than you can imagine. When another life is brought into the picture, your hold world changes. It is a great blessing, but is also allot stress, sleepless nights and compromise. So if you two are already having some problems, I suggest not having a baby, b/c it isn’t going to fix it.
No, it’s never an option. A child doesn’t save the marriage; it’s not even a temporary solution. The people you’re talking to have it wrong. Go to counselling with your SO to work through this.
Sweety don’t put yourself through this. I am sorry to hear about your inability to carry a child. But do NOT have a child to save your marriage. If your marriage is falling apart a child will not save it, it might prevent divorce but what kind of environment would it create for the baby? I have 2 children one is 13 the other is 8 months. Due to cervical issues I can have no more and medically my second one is a miracle. I want another but realize that not only would I be putting my life in danger but the babies too. There has to be a reason why you miscarry is something wrong with your cervix? Or is it genetic flawing? With my children its cervical issues. First one was born 23 weeks 5 days gestation and should not have lived, the other through the grace of god was only a month early but it wrecked hell on my body. I say save your sanity as much as you want a baby having one to say a marriage/relationship is the WRONG reason to have one. If he loves you he’ll understand your position on this
No, don’t have a child to save a marriage. If you don’t want to raise a child then don’t do it. If you decide you still want one and are able to adopt, go for it. Don’t do it just to make your husband/partner happy and you are right, it isn’t fair to pin all of that on a small innocent child. Your marriage is between the two of you and should be strong and stable before having a child enter the family unit. The stressors placed on your relationship as a result of having a child will only pull the marriage apart if it is all ready shaky. I think its very responsible of you to consider this and wish more people would put more thought into the subject of kids before having them.
Sorry for what you are going through, and I hope you are taking care of your health. Having a child is not a way to save a marriage. If you and your husband are having other problems, a child will not make it better, parenting is a difficult work, requiring combined effort. As I am sure you know. It seems you and your husband have been through more then your share of hardship, but if it doesn’t make you stronger and closer, you have to make sure you do what is good for yourself, and find your own way to happiness. I wish you the best, my prayers are with you.
No, it’s not right to have a baby just to save a marriage. Unfortunately, I have known people who have tried it, and it didn’t work. They still ended up divorced.
If he really loves you he wil stay with you even though you cant have children.
A baby would just complicate your relationship even more, plus there would be another life to think about also. If your husband thinks that you are less of a woman because you can’t have a child (!) then it’s not worth trying anymore. And you shouldn’t blame yourself – some women just can’t carry a child to full-term. Please consider marriage counseling, and if your husband won’t go then go by yourself.
If your marriage is already in trouble the stress of a new child will only make things worse not better. Think of 2a.m. feedings. Feeding, diapering and constant care and supervision of an infant is pressure that an unstable relationship cannot easily survive. And if your marriage does fall apart what then? You are now a single mother who may or may not have the resources at hand to care for your child. And even if you have the money will you have the time?
The only way babies save marriages is to give people the right to say, "We’re only staying together for the children." That’s the only way babies "save" marriages.
I agree whole heartedly with you. Having a child has NOTHING to do with the success of a marriage. If anything, it adds alot of stresses financially, mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s a beautiful thing but even a rose has it’s thorns. If having children saved marriages, there would be no divorces with child support being paid. You need to focus on your health FIRST and foremost. I’m sure that your husband loves you and that would also be his MAIN concern. If not, you need to think about that very seriously. Adoption is a very selfless and loving way to have a family. If you both talked about that and agreed to it, then look straight ahead and focus on making that happen. Just remember this, the success to a marriage is the couple. Nobody or anything else. If you ain’t got what it takes together, you ain’t ever going to no matter what you add to the mix. A healthy body and a strong mind is where you need to be for yourself, your mate and any possible kiddos!
NOOOOO!!!!!
Is this even a serious question?!
If your marrige is going to fail because you cant have children than I would say having one would just put all the more stress into the situation. It wouldnt be fair to you him and not the child.
Your last question hits the nail on the head. Is it really fair to put the whole success of your marriage on a child? The answer is a resounding ‘no.’ Do you want to be loved for yourself or your reproductive organs? Don’t put your poor body through more suffering. It isn’t fair to you, and a person who really loved you wouldn’t ask it.
you need to talk to him ask him what he wants and explain to him your feelings about the situation. Even if you have to go to a professional just two of you need to talk it out because I am not sure that my suggestion would be the best right he is the one with the answer. Good luck hope everything works out
losing four babies in and of itsself is enough to tear apart any marriage, good or bad. Men and women deal with grief very differently and that’s a difficult hurdle. I do think having a baby, of your own or adopted will help to heal a lot of the grief that you’ve been dealing with, although you could probably heal without a baby as well, it might take longer. However, as far as saving your marriage, no, I agree with you, the two of you will have to heal your marriage.
100% sure a child will not save a marriage. Children make a relationship a little more stressed. As much as a blessing a child is, they are not to save marriages. That’s a huge task for such a new and tiny life. Don’t do it to yourself or the child.
kids may trap some men out of guilt or sense of responsibility but i doubt it will make you happier with eachother.
A baby won’t save a marriage that’s already in trouble. I think that with your previous experiences trying to carry a child and with your age etc your chances of bringing your own child into the world are very slim indeed. You have done everything you can to have a child and it hasn’t worked for you. Your health, both physical and mental, is under severe pressure with all that’s going on with you and your husband and the likelihood is that it will deteriorate further with all the stress. Your husband should understand that you have done everything possible and that it isn’t your fault that all pregnancies resulted in miscarriage or still birth. That’s an awful lot to deal with in a very short period of time. You need to let your body heal itself and getting pregnant again won’t help you. Don’t be fooled though, even if you did carry a baby to full term, it wouldn’t be any guarantee that your marriage would survive. If your husband still loves you he would try to understand what you’re going through right now and see what multiple failed pregnancies are doing to you both!!!
Call IgeneX laboratories and ask for the IGG and IGM Western Blot for lyme test kit. Go to your doctor and demand the test, then contact your local Lyme disease network.
Lyme disease often goes unnoticed, and has high rates of miscarriages. The ob/gyn doctors dont look for it, it is hard to find.
http://www.lymediseaseassociation.org
If its not lyme, check for other stealthy bacterial things that are difficult to find. I lost three babies due to this, and once cleared up, had one. so dont give up.
Now, regarding the second part..your marriage is not based on if you have kids or not. It is a relationship with the man you love. If you think that having kids resolves a good marriage, that is a lie that someone has made you feel. Many wonderful couples are childless. My best friend and her husband married late in life. (1st marriage each) and she was too old to have kids. Instead they immerse themselves with their friends kids, taking them to do activities and enjoying the time together. They are ‘honorary aunt Sue and Uncle Bill". they have walked two girls down the aisle on their wedding, supported one girl whose mother passed, and love their role.
If you love your husband and he loves you, the two of you will find roles to fulfill this emptiness.
No you should never consider a baby would help a relationship
those people who are telling you to do anything to have a kid are stupid if the marriage is on the rocks without a baby what do you think stress and added expenses are going to do wake-up and realize this if you have already considered giving up that could be your inner-self telling you that you don’t need a baby to be happy in life.
I have a friend that can prove the answer to your question. She was the most beautiful girl in my graduating class and dated the school’s biggest jock idiot and decided to get pregnant to trap him. Well, it worked allright. He married her…and cheated, and could not maintain a job, and was irresponsible, he hit her, blamed every one of his failures on her. You see, people must learn that it’s better to accept our losses…God has a plan for each one of us. It may not be what you envisioned, but it’s his plan. You could pregnant, and he could leave you before that child’s third bithday. That’s PRECISELY what happened to my friend’s two children. They no longer have a real father. SO short answer…no, children don’t save a marriage. The decisions and dedication that parents have to one another do. That and the hand of God.
Having a child is not the right thing to saving your marriage, that is worst thing you can do. Trying to find a child just keep your husband is so wrong, there are a lot of couples that don’t have children. To be honest sometimes having a child can destroy some marriages, your 40 years old and your both use to going out when you want to. If you have a child your tied down all the time and at 40 years old by the time they get 10 you’ll 50 or 51 years old and they become teenager you AIN’T seen nothing, yet.
I don’t answer very many of these, but here are some things you should think about… Hope it is helpful.
Children don’t save marriages,— children are, in general, divisive, not bonding, and marriages have to be pretty solid to withstand the trauma of children, even when they are wanted…. shaky marriages just get shakier when a child screams all night, colic never-ending, vomit in the bed, dirty diapers, fussiness for no apparent reason,yaddayada… and this is true even when the parents are bonded, the marriage is solid, and the desire for children is all-consuming… as you two seem to feel… Realize that a child won’t save it, in your case will just make it better…. and many people feel that marriage is indeed better with a child….
Your options are many, and as you said, expensive… You can donate an egg, invitro fertilization, and implanted in someone else…. the "rent-a womb" option. (Adopted Caucasian American babies are risky, unless you know the parents…. teenagers who get pg are often druggies, as will most agencies worth their salt tell you.. and horror stories abound — one really bad case was in Orange County, Ca., this child adopted out several times, and only after the kid continued with severe mental difficulties, and did someting really terrible, did the parents find out this child’s medical history…. they ended up suing Orange County’s agency, and won the case…. things like this send parents into Asia, and Latin America for children….)
If a family member were willing to carry one for you with your ova and your husband’s sperm, how lovely a gift. Short of that, since you are truly desirous of a child, do what you and all others involved would do, fully realizing that everyone must be comfortable with the decision, and share with the child someday the origin of his/her existence..
There are some things that you would need to address, prior to such a decision, however…. the most obvious is: Who will be responsible for the care of this child if it something less than normal… anything from slight, to severe…. And for that reason, you and all those who would be involved need an attorney…and the more all of you have worked out in the way of all the possible "What Ifs"…, the less the attorney has in the way of working out the details, and therefore the cheaper the contract you will all sign, if you choose to go this way…Things will always become more complicated where there are more people involved than just the two of you
Good luck, hon….
A child will not save the marriage! It has to work between the two partners in the marriage first. Despite the challenges you have faced to conceive, a child’s presence will not be a cure for the issues between you and your spouse. If it’s not meant to be naturally, why not adopt? You acheive the original goal of having a child present, and you also give that child the opportunity to live in a loving environment. Children should not bear the responsibitliy of fixing anything – they should just be kids.