I cheated on my wife but I want to save our marriage. Can any one help?
Last year my wife told me that she didn’t love me. She told me that she loved me but not the way a woman loves her man. She went on to say that she really felt nothing for me and really had no respect for me. She bad mouthed me to her friends and served me with divorce papers.
Needless to say I was devastated. We separated and she served me with divorce papers. To protect myself from the hurt I kind of switched off my emotions and feelings for her. I was just numb.
Being a stupid guy and feeling hurt and unwanted I signed up for an online dating service. I met 2 women with whom I had a one night stands. My wife now knows everything.
I know that I was wrong & I really love my wife and want to work things out.
Can any one offer any advice to help me:
1 Help me save our marriage
2 Prove to her that nothing like this will ever happen again.
I know that there is nothing that I can do to make her pain go away of make her forget. Can our marriage be saved?
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Filed under: Marriage
Oh my well a marriage can always be saved , however both people have to be willing and want to. All you can do at this point and forward is to get yourself straight. The first sign that you really want to be with her and make it work is just this what your doing now so thats good but you gotta do much more. You have to prove it. 1) Go get counseling for yourself.
2) stop the online crap — (easiest place for infidelity.)
3) Stop feeling sorry for yourself because you were the one who created this situation your in. You werent worried about not having your wife when you were having sex with this other woman so dont worry about it now.
4) Dont make the same mistake twice rather it is with her or someone else.
5) You have to show to her that you are trust worthy and will not do it again.
Look if its meant to be with your wife then it will be. You just have to move on. Write her a letter explain that you made a mistake and you are owning up to it and are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Tell her what it is your are doing right now to make it work. Proof is in show not the word so if you show her you are who she loved once and could be the man she could love again then she may work on it right away. It sounds to me like she is very hurt and needs time to weigh out things but one thing is if she really truly did love you then she should come back and work on it. My husband never admitted to cheating but Im am almost 95% sure he did but I really loved him and was willing to make it work. So if she just simply doesnt want to make it work then I would say she doesnt and did not love you ENOUGH or she would. Plus when your desperate like that after you cheated its more of a "ha I’ll let him beg and beg me" type thing , women will just eat that up but you dont want to come across as "well i cheated she doesnt want me back so oh well". I hope you get what im saying and I certainly wish you luck adn just remember , SHOW IT DONT SAY IT.
go to marriage concelling
The first question you need to ask is has your wife’s love for you changed? There are two kinds of love, loving someone and being in love with someone. If she mearly loves you, I’m afraid there’s nothing to save.
If my Husband told me he didnt love me anymore then I would probably seek comfort elsewhere too. She is just as much to blame for you stepping out. I would suggest marriage counseling. Good Luck!
why is she hurt. you were out of the house had an impending divorce, no prospect of reconciliation and were lonley.
you got laid. big deal, you said she didn’t want it anyway so who cares. if she hadn’t kicked you out you wouldn’t have done it so it’s her fault, not yours.
Too bad she thinks you cheated on her when you didn’t.
I would say that both of you need to go to a counselor or pastor and see if they can help the two of you out
It is over when she served you the divorce paper. It is over for you when you hooked up with other women. It si really over when she found out. It is over. Move on.
ok first she tells you she doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you, so you move on (or rebound) and now she wants to be with you and you are the bad guy? I think you and your wife should seek out marriage counseling, there is something way down deep that is making this marriage so hard to work out, as far as proving to her that this won’t happen again, there is nothing you can do accept show her in time you are faithful, but you should want to know that she isn’t going to hurt you again the way she did before all of this happened. Good luck
It can be saved but you really have to work on it. How does she feel about your cheating? Did she eventually come back to you. Is she willing to work things out? Anyway, she was badmouthing u and told u she didnt love u. Is that the kind of relationship u want? SHe sounds like a mean woman and sounds to me like she has issues other than u. Maybe she needs to talk with someone. But im pretty sure it can be saved but both of u have to want to save it. That is the first step.
Grow up and move on. You have no chance of going back to the happy times. She is probably working someone right now. Let the good memories stay there but go forward in life. When a woman gives up it is over. Period. As you go through life there will be many setbacks but be mature enough to put them in their place and go forward. Be thankful that you did not get more attached before the hammer dropped. Goo luck in starting a new life. There are others who can do more for you than she did. Next time do not relax your attentions and keep things interesting.
Sorry bud, i believe once a cheater always a cheater.
only u and ur wife can do that…if u would discuss it and be willing to give ur marriage one more chance…it depends on u people… there is nothing impossible to two people that are willing to the best they can for the other
Sometimes it’s just best to cut your losses. If she served you before you had your one nighters then I don’t think your in the wrong. If she still wants to be with you now and you her, then you two will have to forget and forgive the past doings, and try to start a new.
COUNSELING.And the hardest part is getting her to go with you.Do you know for sure if she is willing?And trust is going to be hard to prove.So you going to have to put everything into it now.So be honest with yourself and honest with her.I married and I can’t image what you and her are going through.Bless you both.If I can say that.
You should’ve waited, but she gave you every reason to believe it was over. Has she changed her mind or are you just hanging on to lost hope? She said before you cheated that she didn’t love you anymore. If she didn’t want the marriage to work then, then it’s practically useless to even try now. Maybe you just want her so much because she’s rejecting you or past memories, or fear of change…….whatever it is, if you two got back together now I could only see it as postponing the inevitable and a lot more pain…….I know it sucks, but time to move on for both your sakes….
SHE DID THE RIGHT THING GOING OUT SIDE THE MARRIAGE THERE WAS NO EXCUSE I AM ON HER SIDE YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT A DISEASE HOME AID SORRY IT JUST ANT GOOD ENOUGH SHE WOULD BE DUMB TO FOR GIVE YOU YOU NEED TO BE WITH WHOM YOU CHEATED ON HER WITH , MY HAT GOES OFF TO HER I WISH HER ALL THE LUCK ON HER NEW LIFE
There is an important question. Does she want to reconcile?
Get into counseling. Preferably with a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT in most states). These therapists are trained in Couple and Family dynamics.
If two people really want to work things out, any relationship can be saved. Both people need to want to change. Not just each other, but themselves as well.
Good Luck.
If she does’nt love you & has no respect for you then let her go pal. It was stupid of you to sleep with someone else, but when someone puts you down and treats you like rubbish (trash if you are an american) then you are bound to seek some comfort & attention. My ex wife cheated on me and I STILL didn’t want to loose her – why? – because she knocked all my self esteem long before she had the affair, and always put me down. It was just that I was used to it & knew nothing else. Do yourself a favour – forget her, regain your self esteem & pride & get strong once again. I have & now I have found the most wonderful, kindest & selfless woman in the world – we are due to marry on the 1st of september – and I can’t wait!
Honestly, when a woman tells you she has no respect for you it usually the time for you to call it quits. But from reading your situation, it seems you really love this woman. So I suggest that you talk to her, tell her the things you did wrong, talk to her about the things she did wrong and just get all the frustration out. Also find out what made her lose her love, respect, and devotion for and try to compromise. But remember she has to be willing to change as well… and your heart and what you have to offer is no doormat… so be wise. You can’t make pain go away. You can’t forget hurt. I think you need to ask for her forgiveness and do your damnest to earn it and keep it. She has some fault as well so don’t feel like all of this is your fault.
I am not sure why you would want to stay with someone who clearly made it obvious that the love died sometime ago. But then again love makes you do crazy thing. Reevaluate what you need.
Good Luck
God Bless
She made her feelings to you perfectly clear and served you with divorve papers. She got the ball rolling on this one. Let her prove to you she wants this marriage.
If she loves you she will be angry for this. However if she doesn’t love you she won’t care about it. She won’t mind whoever you have been with . So see if she is angry with you or not. If she still angry you should call her write her greeting cards and send her email from time to time no matter she answers you or not. Then I think time will prove everything. I am sure if you really change she may return one day.
You didn’t cheat on her if you were separated and she had already served you divorce papers, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. But if you want to save the marriage you need help like councelling. Don’t take the fall for all of this cause she will hold it over your head forever stand up and be a man she started the whole process so she has to take responsiblity for what happend after she set the wheels in motion. Goodluck!!
You failed to answer the big question. Does she want to reconcile? The appearance is she wanted you out. You went out. Although it was stupid for you to engage other women until the divorce was final it is not uncommon. She definitely sent the message, GET OUT. All of this is moot if she has not changed her mind. So help your self out. Either go back (her choice)or don’t (also her choice). You need to finalize things one way or the other before you consider getting involved with anyone. If she wants to try she will have to look past your indiscretion. Ultimately, she forced you out and what happened then should not concern her. If she wants you back the question is, is it because she misses you or or she’s angry that you could live without her?
Dude, you have just ruined it all. Wives says that they don’t love their husbands means that they want an attention from their husband. And a special one. When they say that, something must’ve happened in the past that made her have no respect for you. And when they say that, it DOESN’T mean that you could do something to hurt her such as having a silly one night stands just to make her love you. A woman can no longer trust his husband because he slept with other women. I think infact, all fragile women are too hurt if their husbands did like this. You can do nothing to help save your marriage. I’m sorry that this is true. But you can still prove to her that nothing like this will ever happen again. You have to find it out your own.
You tried to save a marriage you have ruined.
well looks like you already have many good answers to this
The idea of being seperated is you are going to be getting a divorce. So you never expected to remain married you were single during that time. Basically your wife and you re-entered into the marriage after that. I can’t see why you would need her forgiveness for what you did while single.
She wanted out and changed her mind I would be wondering why.
You tried to seek affection from others during the seperation and she might have also. So one way for both of you to think about this is basically a second marriage for you. Go from there with both of you working at it, her with learning how to love you and you learning how to love and trust her.
You’re not making much sense. She gave up on the marriage and served you with divorce papers. You met 2 women after that fact and had something go on. Now, how can you consider that cheating when your wife doesn’t want you before you met the 2 women?
Please don’t go on this guilt trip as you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
As for your second question – how to save your marriage. It takes 2 to save a marriage, not 1. You may want to reconcile but she doesn’t. She has to want it too. How to get her to want it? Not by giving in to her all the time or proving that ‘nothing like this will ever happen again’. So what if you prove it? It’ll not mean anything if she doesn’t appreciate you. That’s the problem, she doesn’t appreciate you. The problem isn’t you. She hurt you first and served divorce papers first.
My opinion is for you to move on and find a woman that will really appreciate you for who you are. Don’t cling to straws to a relationship that is long dead (it is to your wife). She did not treat you with respect by bad mouthing you & she cut you down with those words you said about feeling nothing for you. She didn’t care how she hurt you.
Move on please – you will much healthier and happier. You can never be happy in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t appreciate you or love you even.
Hi There this is a common problem with guys & Girls they always think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I have news for you its not it is just as burnt and brown as yours. You have to ask yourself why you go off and seek one night stands. The answer just like us all is that you need to put some serious maintenance into your marriage. A relationship is like a motor vehicle it needs constant maintenance or like the motor vehicle your relationship will break down. Listen man wake up and smell the bloody coffee before you make a total horlicks of your relationship.
You have to some severe groveling and most of all IS HONEST.
You should not promise things to your lady that you cannot deliver it is just adding more hurt for her further down the line. A decent woman is hard to find and hard to hang on to so put all this egotistical bullshit in the bin and just be yourself the one your lady fell in love with.
I don’t wonder she bad-mouthed you to her mates if that had been my lady she took an advert out in the local paper yes I stayed on the straight and narrow from then on and I have a wonderful marriage.
Sorry man if I sound hard on you but you sure as sin don’t want to loose the lady.
Trust has to be earned it will take time so in the meantime all the very best of luck and kind regards DIRKY
You didn’t cheat. You were getting on with your life. I can’t believe this woman has changed enough to want you back. Get back online and try more one night stands till you find a woman who won’t belittle and humiliate you.
Make her pain go away? What’s wrong with you? Your marriage is over. Forget that bitc h and get back to reality.
I noticed some of the people who replied didn’t take the time to read your sob story.
Yes there is hope as long as you are truley sorry and have determined in your heart to never do this again…. First of all forgive yourself and ask god to forgive you… Tell her you are truley sorry and dont ever do this to her again… Seek counseling and even marriage counseling…. Work on it and earn her trust again… I know it will be hard but with time and luayalty on your part she will learn to trust you again…. Be patient with her and let her heal though and dont push yourself on her… Give her time and space to heal and to get past the pain….. Do not push romance and sex on her…. IF you need to let her sleep seperatley for a while or buy a new bed as she probably feels her bed has been defiled and dirty…. IF she truley wants out though and does not want this marriage to work then let her go…. She does have biblical reasons for divorcing you… I hope beyond hope thought that you can get through this together somehow and make your marriage work!
You didn’t step out on your wife. You are hurt because you are going through a divorce and you are in the denial period. You’ll get over it once you realize that you have to accept you are getting a divorce. I say this because you don’t mention that your wife even wants to forgive you and reconcile. And the way it sounds it’s not because you "cheated" which you didn’t really do your marriage is over you can’t really cheat when you are getting divorced, but because your wife doesn’t have the feelings for you she needs in order to stay married that the marriage is over.
It sounds that you need counseling personally to help you face the rejection that is really hurting you.
First go for counseling one on one, and together. It seems she had issues before yours. Once you have both decided to start over (hopefully), Have a re-commitment ceremony with all family and friends in attendance.
Try growing back some nuts yer whipped ninny.